The girl I once knew is a miniature version of herself sitting at the pit of her own being.
Her screams echo in the vastness of this shell she used to call her body.
The mind she once knew is the distance away it would take to climb Mount Everest.
Only each day a record blizzard blares away making the slightest step impossible.
now
My Mother’s Worship
Morning church bells ring to the tune of disappointment.
The pews are full of hopeful people.
The prayers come in whispers.
Whispers that so desperately want to sound like a melody.
The tornado of voices whip into the oblivion to a God who sits atop a marble throne.
He lets the phone ring into an infinite answering machine.
Your Music.
Beside the oak tree
A picnic for two
Romantic gestures
A girl could melt in your flowers
A home cooked meal
My heart twisted like your fusilli pasta
I don’t drink wine
But you poured it
You speak pure eloquence
I lay out on a luxuriant bed of flowers
I listen intently
Your mouth a composer
The words are music
I am begging to be your conductor
The orchestra erupts
And I long to be wrapped in your melody
Cradled in this symphony
Your words become the curtain over my eyes
Suddenly I am teetering on the edge of a cliff
Hanging on to the edges of your words
The shards of punctuation stab my fingertips
Holding onto your words is starting to feel like life and death
“I heard you.”
“I’m listening.”
You held my hurt in the palm of your hand
You made it feel small
Nestled it in your arms promising protection
Words and Words
Rehearsed and Repeated
Meaningless music to manipulate
You gave me a foot and I only took an inch
Which is still precisely 1.54 cm more than anyone has ever given me
I’m an intoxicated mess
High off the words you’ve injected into my veins
A musical pulse beating through me
A man who probed me for my wounds
I am having withdrawals from all the things you’ve said to me
I am sick.
Addicted to your words
Your music
Melodic lies that have encased my brain
I can’t tell if you’re a musician or a magician
I have fallen for your tricks
I will be drowning at your concert.
Our Story
I’ll never know if I’ll ever love someone as much as I Loved You.
The way we opened to each other
Was like a never ending Story
Though it ended I still feel as if I can relive it each day.
I can jump through the pages,
Laying next to You
Late nights
Early mornings
Your fragrance
The room
The feeling
The crisp air
Sweet incandescence
Sun shining through the windows
It’s like I never left.
Embodying timeless emotions
Traveling back through seasons but always with You
I find myself ripping through all the feelings again.
The agony.
The heartbreak.
The pain.
The soul aching pain.
And then it comes.
The Contrast.
But oh the contrast
The deepest hues of all contrast
The love tearing back through me
Your lips
Your hands holding my face
And the tears come
Perched upon my lip
But you tell me you love me.
You say you’ll never love anyone the way you Love Me.
You embrace me for that moment.
And here the Universe opens up
We Are.
The sweet beauty of it all
Like we always were.
These endless moments
I love you
Dark Thoughts
Surmised in the bleakness of abyss,
A dark thought was born.
Putting my hardened soul amiss,
My heart was entirely torn.
Knocking at my door it was You,
Waiting for me to open.
But if only I could really choose,
I was left lost, hoping.
People wonder why I hide,
In a warm bed days away.
But outside was riptide,
Waiting to be swept away.
Everything is only a reminder,
Of what real darkness is.
If only the world were kinder,
There may be true bliss.
The darkness at my door awaits,
To snicker it’s sick lies.
Fill me with a somber hate,
Breaking all love’s ties.
If only you saw the dreariness of life,
You too would run and hide.
But in this endless game of strife,
Your thoughts always decide.
New
I used to be deeply saddened by the things I could not control.
Routine is my enemy.
The old and reused feel like endless cycles of misery in my head.
They said find the fun, look for the beautiful.
Well that’s just it.
The beautiful is the new.
At least for me.
Something I’ve never done something I’ve never seen.
I need new everyday and every second.
I want to inhale the world and exhale the ideas.
I used to feel ashamed
For craving the newest of all experiences
Selfish
Childish
But I realized there was nothing wrong with yearning the unconventional
We desire what we desire to put out
I do not desire to put out the normal
The routine.
The everyday
I only desire to put what hasn’t been done.
What hasn’t been made.
And what hasn’t been experienced.
I am a creator
A creator that creates the New
Dreaming to Reality
I had a dream last night my mom was sober
Her face wasn’t sunken and sullen
There was authenticity in her smile
She sat next to me running her hands through my hair
Her was home.
It was safety and reassurance
I could lay forever into eternity in this moment
“Mom”
“Yes Love”
True endearment I felt it
“I love you.”
Then I woke up
I remembered it was just a dream
I could hear yelling outside the door
Sometimes we can’t shake the nightmare from our reality
We hide in our room hoping it would go away
We get lost in our thoughts and dreams
Escaping to far off lands in our heads
Writing stories of the could be’s and hope to be’s
Stories we prayed would become our reality
Sometimes we would run and run
Believing we could run and leave everything behind
That somewhere out there was a new beginning
A fresh start
A place where things were perfect
A place out of our stories
Then reality sets in
It’s a cold world out there
Like magnets to the problem we’re sucked back to that place
That place we call home
If only home was warm,
I’d gladly go
Sometimes our homes aren’t comforting or safe
Sometimes they’re cold and desolate
But somewhere out there, there’s many of us
Many of us who hate to be home and wish they could run forever
But remember, we are not alone
And one day we will create that perfect place for us
But for now we must be fighters
Stand up for ourselves
Pursue our dreams
Because those dreams are real
You just can’t let go of them
They’re all we have
And one day they will be our Reality
Embracing Now
I think one of the hardest things for me to wrap my mind around is the idea that time has no existence; time is a man made concept. Just as Einstein’s theory of relativity states that everything is relative to the person, so in turn there is no equivalent for everyone. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that considering time is only relative to your person, then we should embrace every moment right now.
KelseyRoseKnows 